You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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