I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my being single is dangerous.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
