people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
