so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
