2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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