you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
