I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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