I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
