I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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