When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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