ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
