he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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