Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
