Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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