last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize