The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
