Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
