A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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