Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
