I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
