She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
