Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
