I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
