I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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