Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
