So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
