final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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