i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
