Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
