The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
