You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
