apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
