Screwed.edu
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
