We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
