I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I faked an abortion last night.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
