I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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