Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
