so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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