Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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