I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
