It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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