Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
