i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
