At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
