i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
