i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
