Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
