I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
