i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
