Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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