Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
