bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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