I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
