You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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