I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
