Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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