Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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