dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
