He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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