BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
